"Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand." - Benny Hill.
"When rats leave a sinking ship, where exactly do they think they're going?"- Douglas Gauck.
"Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men." - Kin Hubbard.
"Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law." - Hubert Humphrey.
"Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you." - Carl Gustav Jung.
"I dress up for weddings, funerals and fine steakhouses." --Dan Daly .
"Clean laundry helps the confidence level, which helps the self image, which helps um, you win games, which makes you rich, which leads to greed, which leads to more money!!!, Which causes immense spending, which then triggers high anxiety, which causes a heart attack at the age of 31 and puts you in a coma for 10 years while you lose all of your money and you start at the beginning again!" --Benjer Petersen
"If it's about computers... it can wait!" --Rachel Halladay
"Don't spend your life as a pretty bitch... God will send you back nice and ugly!" --Fritz
"I had gone searching for the truth, and found facts> instead. I hate that."
"I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot> cards. I got a full house and 4 people died."--Steven Wright .
"This morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about
it." --unknown
"When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities." Matt Groening.
"Diplomacy is about surviving until the next century. Politics is about surviving until Friday afternoon." --Sir Humphrey Appleby.
"You'll earn thousands of dollars daily by doing nothing." --Found on a piece of paper in a Fortune Cookie
In any sufficiently large group of people, most are idiots. --Kaa's Law
"Some people look at jerky and say, 'Why?' I look at jerky and say, 'Mmm! Jerky!'.
In our view, everybody is a potential partner -- until they shoot at us." - AOL CEO Steve Case.
Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. -- Pablo Picasso
Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window --Steve Wozniak
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
To the plumber, any liquid in the glass is potential income.(With thanks to John Pettitt and Ed O'Connell)
It happens. Sometimes people just explode. Natural causes. from Repo Man
What if this weren't a hypothetical question?
"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." -- John Wayne
"During my service in the United States Congress, I took the initiative in creating the Internet" --Al Gore
"Space is almost infinite. As a matter of fact, we think it is infinite." "- Dan Quayle.
"Trees cause more pollution than automobiles do." .--Ronald Reagan
"My fellow Americans. I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes." --President Reagan, before a scheduled radio broadcast, unaware that the microphone was already on
"I'm a slow walker, but I never walk back." - Abraham Lincoln.
"640k ought to be enough for anybody." . -- Bill Gates in 1981
"We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads." --Vlade Divac, NBA basketball player
"Sometimes they write what I say and not what I mean." . basepall player Pedro Guerrero on reporters
"We've been working on the basics because, basically, we've been having trouble with the basics." .Bob Ojeda, baseball pitcher
"The other teams could make trouble for us if they win."Yogi Berra, baseball catcher and manager
"Any time Detroit scores more than 100 points and> holds the other team below 100 points they almost always win."-- Doug Collins, basketball commentator
"The only reason we're 7-0 is because we've> won all seven of our games." --David Garcia
"We have only one person to blame, and that's each other."--Barry Beck, New York Ranger, on who started a brawl.
Go to bed with itchy bum, wake up with smelly finger!
"A person knows he has found his true love when they call that person and say: Honey, I just killed someone. And that persons response is: where do we hide the body?"
"Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight."
I gave up smoking, drinking, and sex...worst 15 minutes of my life.
Happiness is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.
If you need space join NASA baby
"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
It's not how you pick your nose, it's where you put that booger that counts -- Tre Cool of Green Day
If we can put one man on the moon, why can't we put them all there?
If the shoe fits, buy it in every color!
I'ma nobody... nobody is perfect... I must be perfect then..
The best thing about Alzheimer’s is : You can hide your own Easter eggs. - Gramps
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet and so are you. HOWEVER...the roses are dead, the violets are wilting, the sugar bowl is empty and so is your head.
WHEN LIFE HANDS YOU A LEMON, BUST OUT THE TEQUILLA AND SALT
Why can't I attract men like crazy, Instead of crazy men 
"Beer, getting ugly people laid since 1700"
If you want breakfast in bed.........sleep in the kitchen
No matter what road we take we'll always end up in the same place.
"I hear voices, and they don't like you"
"Buy me another drink, because your still ugly"
"I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me there."
"It's not attention deficit disorder, I'm not just not listening to you."
Give a man a fish he'll eat for a day but teach him how and he'll sit on his ass staring at the fishing pole trying to decide what to do
Cancel my subscription cause I don’t need your issues As you slide down the banister of life, may your ass collect many splinters
"Don't get your knickers in a knot. Nothing is solved and it makes you walk funny." ~ Katherine Carpenter
I wish I were a little kid again. Skinned Knees are easier to heal than broken hearts!!!
One day your prince will come, mine just took a wrong turn got lost and is too stubborn to ask for directions.
The more I get to know boys the more I like dogs
I have a life; it's just on lay-a-way at K-Mart!
God made the sea god made the ocean God needed a goddess so he made me!!
Duct tape is like the force, it has a light and dark side, and it binds the universe together
Giant oaks DO grow from little acorns. But first you must have an acorn.
No comments:
Post a Comment